Up: [[Compulsion]] Created: 2026-03-19 The first important point is that we need to engage with our compulsions, not manage them. Management implies control and, as explained in [[Why Compulsions are a Gift]], control isn’t an option. I also need to remember that the opposite of control is *not* being out of control. Mary O’Malley identifies the opposite of control as curiosity, clarity, and compassion. The more curiosity I can bring to a compulsive situation, the shorter the wave of that compulsion will be. However, patience and a step-by-step approach are required. It is not possible to make this work go any faster, or any slower than it needs. Again, I’m not in control! Sometimes, engagement will arrest a compulsion as it begins. Sometimes it won’t and in that case, it’s important to give yourself permission to be compulsive. But recognize that you’re not throwing in the towel and just indulging in whatever compulsion is clamouring. You are taking a position of non-resistance coupled with curiosity. Curiosity is the first skill O’Malley discusses and the cornerstone of all of the others. ### Skill #1 — Curiosity I like O’Malley’s definition of curiosity as *focused attention without judgment*. It’s going to be really helpful if I can adopt her awareness that everything about a moment, any moment, is brand new and will never be again. That will take me out of habitual thinking and put me in [[Witness]] mode. A question to ask is, *In this moment, what am I experiencing?* Stay with senses, with the immediacy of the experience. If your brain starts to tell stories, say “thinking, thinking” and return to the immediacy of the moment. The primary way I’m going to access curiosity is by [[Senses Grounding]]. A secondary way is through immersing in a moment and writing [[Beams]]. That’s also a form of senses grounding, just tied to a specific experience. ### Skill #2 — Self-Acceptance I’ve been missing the point on this one. Self-acceptance isn’t generic, it’s specific to the moment. So if afraid, accept the fear. If anxious, accept the anxiety, etcetera. Let go of resisting. O’Malley recommends taking a few deep breaths and then saying to yourself, “For this moment, I let this be here.” Or “I accept that this is part of my life right now. It’s okay. I’m okay.” She also recommends making a list every day of three qualities you appreciate about yourself, as a way of retraining yourself to look for what’s right instead of what’s wrong. The check-in question for this skill is, *For this moment, can I let this be here?* This is about moving out of reactivity so you can move into response. If the answer to the question is “No!”, return to the first question where you’ll realize that you’re resisting being present for what you’re experiencing. Toggle back and forth between the two questions until you find something you can allow to be. That’s what lets you move out of reactivity. ### Skill #3 — Breathe I’ve always had tremendous difficulty with this skill. I hold my breath a lot, and I shallow breathe much of the time. O’Malley says that shallow breathing means that I’m in my head, not connected to myself, and therefore vulnerable to being compulsive. Deeper breathing will change that and offer several other benefits, such as helping with the fatigue I often feel, and with transforming emotions. Apparently an emotion shifts when we attend to physical sensations and breathe into them. This is a skill that really can’t be forced. A deep breath goes all the way to your belly, but if I push to do that I’m just replicating the same kind of struggle that resulted in holding my breath. O’Malley recommends simply noticing and being curious about how often I hold my breath and how it feels when I don’t. A couple of other suggestions from her: Focus on exhalation, not inhalation, and tighten your belly when exhaling. This will give you back your natural breath. And if you want to practice this a few times a day, a good way to remember to do so is to tie it to an existing habit, such as washing your hands. There are lots of breath work ideas, including O’Malley’s “balloon breath” for shifting emotions in [[Breathing]]. The check-in question for this skill is, *In this moment, can I touch this with compassion?* ### Skill #4 — Open to Being This skill is about getting out of your head, making the shift from doing to being. O’Malley write about this at length, both here and especially in her other book, *Belonging to Life*. Specific suggestions that appeal to me include: - Give yourself a face massage. Every inch of skin has 19,000 sensory cells. - Turn off all lights and bathe or shower in the dark. - Lie on the grass, let yourself be held by the earth. - Have an “I don’t have to do it” day. Don’t exercise, don’t floss, don’t return calls. - Dance - Go to a public place that has sights and smells that bring you joy. For me that would include an art gallery, a library, a bakery. When there, imagine that tomorrow you’re going to be blind and deaf so that you really take it in today. - Do what I call “sense eat” a food. This is the idea of the single strawberry or the single bite of something you enjoy, all senses applied to the experience. - Whenever you see or hear a moment of beauty, pause, actively soften your entire body, and breathe. Let yourself reconnect with life. The check-in question for this skill is, *Right now, what do I truly need?* Don’t worry if you don’t have an answer. Just asking the question matters. ### An Alternative If you’re resisting being curious and aware, if you want nothing to do with any of these four skills, trust that your feelings just aren’t ready to be met. In that case, see if you can just distract yourself from the compulsive activity by binge-watching tv, reading a novel, or doing whatever works for you as a good distraction. ### And if None of that Works And you’re lost in the compulsion, O’Malley has a new version of the Serenity Prayer that she repeats while taking long, slow deep breaths: *God grant me the serenity of staying curious, the courage to be present for what is asking to be met, and the wisdom to keep my heart open.* Then, when out of the compulsive reaction, ask “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” Don’t ask if it your emotions, ask it of your body. And accept whatever answer comes. > [!user] Mary O’Malley, *The Gift of Our Compulsions: A revolutionary approach to self-acceptance and healing*