Up: [[Compulsion]] Created: 2025-07-09 ### Defining Perfectionism In the absence of a standardized definition for perfectionism, I’m opting for a simple paraphrase of Katherine Morgan Schafler’s definition. **A perfectionist is someone who is acutely aware of the gap between real and ideal, and feels compelled to close it.** There are two important pieces to this definition. A perfectionist is acutely, consistently aware of the gap. Not in all areas of life, but absolutely in the areas we want to excel in. And there is compulsion to close the gap; it’s not something we can just shrug off. ### Forms of Perfectionism Perfectionism is a very fluid construct and it is context-dependent. It can take any of these forms: - Emotional — I want to experience a perfect emotional state. - Cognitive — I want to understand perfectly. - Behavioural — I want to perform tasks perfectly and behave perfectly in x role(s). - Object — I want this external thing — art, my home, my body, the presentation deck — to exist in a perfect state. - Process — I want this process — airline flight, a friendship or marriage, giving a presentation — to begin, continue, and end perfectly. The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler, p. 81-82 The thing is, perfectionism isn’t, in itself, bad. We are people who care about becoming our best selves. We dream of total alignment between our inner and outer worlds. We want the world’s beauty to prevail and we’re willing to work to make that happen. If our perfectionism is adaptive, we are working to be true to the most authentic version of ourselves, not to external expectations or conditions. In contrast, if our perfection is maladaptive, we’re operating from a deficit mindset, trying to compensate for or hide perceived inadequacies. In a maladaptive state, we get to feel good about ourselves only after we’ve earned it. Adaptive and maladaptive are, again, context-dependent. If you’re a perfectionist, you inhabit both of these states at different times. ### Characteristics of Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism | Adaptive | Maladaptive | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | --------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | ideals are meant to inspire | ideals are meant to be achieved | | pursue self-defined success | avoid failure | | validation mostly from self | looks for validation from others, but not reassured by it | | plays to win — efforts fuelled by optimism | plays to not lose — efforts fuelled by fear | | compulsive strivings are value driven and fulfilling | compulsive strivings are unhealthy, not fulfilling, can harm self or others | | responds to inner critic with compassion | responds to inner critic with shame or numbing out | | sets intentions (energy and purpose behind striving) and goals (what you’re striving for); winning can happen from day one because you can honour your intention | sets goals; winning can only happen on the day you achieve the goal | The way to be in adaptive, or healthy, perfectionism is to **consciously respond** to a situation, rather than, as in maladaptive or unhealthy perfectionism, unconsciously reacting to it. ### The Perfectionism Types All of the above is more important, and more useful, than labelling yourself as a particular type of perfectionist. While [[I'm a Messy, Procrastinating Perfectionist]] gave me a few helpful insights, I’ve got way more breathing room when I think, as Schafler puts it, of perfectionism as the language my mind thinks in and type as the dialect that shows up in my day to day life.