Up: [[Compulsion]] Created: 2025-07-09 Updated: 2026-02-13 ### Defining Perfectionism In the absence of a standardized definition for perfectionism, I’m opting for a simple paraphrase of Katherine Morgan Schafler’s definition. **A perfectionist is someone who is acutely aware of the gap between real and ideal, and feels compelled to close it.** There are two important pieces to this definition: being constantly aware of the gap in any areas of life that are important to us, and feeling a compulsion to close the gap. ### Forms of Perfectionism The form of perfectionism varies with context. It can take any of these forms: - Emotional — I want to experience a perfect emotional state. - Cognitive — I want to understand perfectly. - Behavioural — I want to perfectly behave and perform tasks in x role(s). - Object — I want this external thing — art, my home, my body, the presentation deck — to exist in a perfect state. - Process — I want this process — a relationship, giving a presentation — to begin, continue, and end perfectly. > [!user] Katherine Morgan Schafler in *The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control*, pp. 81-82 Perfectionism isn’t, in itself, bad. Adaptive perfectionism is when we're trying to be true to the most authentic version of ourselves, when we're working to align our inner and outer worlds. In contrast, maladaptive perfectionism comes from a deficit mindset of compensation for perceived flaws. We can only feel good enough when we've earned it. Adaptive and maladaptive are also context-dependent. If you’re a perfectionist, you inhabit both of these states at different times. ### Characteristics of Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism | Adaptive | Maladaptive | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | --------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | ideals are meant to inspire | ideals are meant to be achieved | | pursue self-defined success | avoid failure | | validation mostly from self | looks for validation from others, but not reassured by it | | plays to win — efforts fuelled by optimism | plays to not lose — efforts fuelled by fear | | compulsive strivings are value driven and fulfilling | compulsive strivings are unhealthy, not fulfilling, can harm self or others | | responds to inner critic with compassion | responds to inner critic with shame or numbing out | | sets intentions (energy and purpose behind striving) and goals (what you’re striving for); winning can happen from day one because you can honour your intention | sets goals; winning can only happen on the day you achieve the goal | The way to be in adaptive, or healthy, perfectionism is to **consciously respond** to a situation, rather than, as in maladaptive or unhealthy perfectionism, unconsciously reacting to it. ### The Perfectionism Types All of the above is more important, and more useful, than labelling yourself as a particular type of perfectionist. While [[I'm a Messy, Procrastinating Perfectionist]] gave me a few helpful insights, I’ve got way more breathing room when I think, as Schafler puts it, of perfectionism as the language my mind thinks in and type as the dialect that shows up in my day to day life.