Up: [[Compulsion]] Created: 2025-07-17 If you are struggling to do the things that are in your best interests; that you know will improve your life, it’s because you are caught in self-punishment, which Katherine Morgan Schafler defines as *consciously or unconsciously returning to something that you know will hurt your, or denying yourself something that you know will help you.* (p. 122 in *The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control*) ### Three reasons perfectionists self-punish 1. We make our self-worth (what we feel and believe we deserve) dependent on our performance (maladaptive), not our existence (adaptive). 2. We prize intellect over emotion, never having learned that self-compassion is essential to growth and healing. 3. We don’t understand that taking personal accountability for a mistake requires self-worth and self-compassion (I blew it AND I’m still a capable, good person), not self-flagellation (I’m awful. How could I have done that?) ### How to know when you’re self-punishing **Blaming** — first yourself, then others. The most common form of self-punishment is negative self-talk which, at least for me and I’m sure I’m not alone, extends far beyond the single mistake into a looped playback of the top 40 most humiliating mistakes I’ve ever made. Blaming others is related to whatever you’re blaming yourself for. Schafler gives the example of a procrastinator perfectionist blaming herself for not being perfectly ready, and blaming others for daring to begin something without being perfectly ready. **Numbing** — defined as *engaging in an activity that helps you ignore the feelings you don’t want to feel*. (p. 138) We all know the standard list of numbing actions; just add ‘over’ in front of any of the following: eating, spending, working, tv watching, social media scrolling. I find my choices for numbing (the first three ‘overs’ in the list) often difficult to recognize as self-punishment, certainly much more difficult than negative self-talk. I suppose this makes sense, it’s called ‘numbing’ for a reason! For people whose numbing takes the form of mindless tv watching or social media scrolling, it can be difficult to parse the distinction between numbing to avoid feelings and perfectly healthy restorative escapism. Schafler helps with her suggestion that if it’s restorative, you’ll feel reset and recharged after engaging because you’ve regulated your emotions and regained some perspective. ### There’s a solution The reason being an adaptive perfectionist is perfectly fine is because it’s not the striving for perfection that is harmful, it’s the self-punishment that we dole out when we fail to achieve it. It’s self-punishment that messes with our mental health and absolutely zaps us of energy. We perfectionists all do it, and it’s all so useless. > [!Orbit] Katherine Morgan Schafler in *The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control* > Your self-destructive patterns are the least interesting thing about you; why are you allowing them to lead your identity? Is the damaged version of who you are really the whole story? Are you not bored with this narrative yet? Excitement lies in the much bigger story you’re not sharing about who you really are. (p. 268) The way to get to that bigger story is through relentless self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff is the leader in that field. I’ve had her books and workbook for years. Have I done anything with them? No. [[I'm a Messy, Procrastinating Perfectionist]] remember? But now that I’ve read Schafler’s book, and taken in her message — *You can’t heal or grow without self-compassion. In the absence of self-compassion, the best you can hope for is stagnation.* (p.136), I’ll be reading and notemaking about self-compassion soon. In the meantime, it’s really worthwhile taking a look at [Dr. Neff’s website](https://self-compassion.org) for an understanding of what self-compassion means (it’s not affirmations about loving yourself) and an online quiz to see how self-compassionate you are right now.