Up: [[Compulsion]] Created: 2025-07-20 The first book I wrote was a bestseller. This was no small feat for a non-fiction book with a niche audience (grades 7-10 teachers) spread out across a country as enormous as Canada. Did I bask in that success for even a millisecond? No, I did not. Much to the chagrin of the publishing house president, I leapt into my next project, a set of three books. This is maladaptive perfectionist behaviour. See [[Perfectionism]]. It’s arriving at one goal post or outcome, only to create a new one, a bigger one, and go immediately chasing after that. It’s a brutal and mean way to live because the only time you allow yourself to relax and enjoy your life is when you’ve earned it and, by continually moving the goal post, that day never comes. Fortunately, there’s help for this problem. Clues come in the definition of a perfectionist: **A perfectionist is someone who is acutely aware of the gap between real and ideal, and feels compelled to close it.** [[Perfectionism Can Be a Gift]] if we accept and work intelligently with this desire. Unlike goals, ideals can’t be reached… with one exception. We can attain the ideal state of awareness through presence, defined as *consciously bringing our whole self to the present moment.* (p. 86 of *The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control* ) Note that Schafler prefers the term ‘presence’ to the more commonly used ‘mindfulness’. And as of today, I do too. This morning Phil Kastelic wrote to me about poet Andrea Gibson’s presence, which Phil defined as *a depth of character that shows in a person and drives others to dig more deeply.* Phil’s definition makes the ideal obvious and inspiring for perfectionists who, says Schafler, are *magnetically drawn* to seeking presence. However, while we may be magnetically drawn to seeking it, many of us mess up by trying to create perfection in the outside world in the mistaken belief that doing so is going to help us feel presence inside. To be in the adaptive perfectionist state of prioritizing presence, we need to make a number of important shifts. —> Shift from looking for meaning only in outcomes to looking for meaning in the present moment. —> Shift from believing that the only way to grow is through a focus on correcting weaknesses to believing that growth also comes from a focus on experiencing and celebrating joy. —> Shift from the [[Role of Self-Punishment in Perfectionism]] to a relentless commitment to self-compassion. —> Shift from outsourcing your life to external experts to trusting yourself that if you align with your values and find what brings you real pleasure, you’ll know what to do.